Attorney Evolutionist Goes To Court

Piltdown Man

Image by jovike via Flickr

The courtroom is packed with reporters. With pens ready they wait to hear Attorney Evolutionist’s defense of his client.

All rise! The Honorable Judge Honest Harry Jones presiding. Judge seats himself. All may be seated! The judge sits back in his chair:

Judge: Attorney Evolutionist you may begin.

Attorney Evolutionist: I will prove to this court of law that my client Unbeliever is innocent of the charges brought against him by Believer. I will prove beyond any shadow of doubt to this honorable court that evolution is indeed taking place beginning over 1000,000,000,000 billion years ago. Give or take another hundred billion.

Attorney Christian: I object your Honor. My opponent has not a shred of evidence to defend his client. In fact this court will find before the trial is over that evolution is nothing but a big hoax perpetrated on the Bible ignorant.

Judge: Objection overruled. You may proceed.

Attorney Evolutionist: Yes your Honor. I call my first witness Pilt down Man.

Piltdown Man takes the stand. He is sworn in. He lies under oath.

Attorney Evolutionist: Pilt Down Man isn’t it true that you are a transitional fossil?

Attorney Christian: I object to this fairy tale to be presented in a court of law. It is documented that “Pilt down Man (Eoanthropus Dawsoni) was once thought to be a “missing link” between man and ape. The first Piltdown fragments were discovered in 1912. Thereafter, over 500 scientific essays were written on the Piltdown Man in a 40-year period. The discovery was proven to be a deliberate hoax in 1953.

Attorney Evolutionist: Piltdown man is this true?

Piltdown Man: No it is not true! I am a transitional fossil that proves the link between man and beast. I was discovered…

Judge: I want this lying witness arrested. Piltdown man this court holds you in contempt for deliberately lying to this court. May I remind Attorney Evolutionist that this court seeks only evidence. Facts backed up by science.

Attorney Evolutionist: I call my second witness Infidel the esteemed scientist. He was educated at the finest universities. He holds three degrees. Paleontology anthropology and biology. He has written numerous books on evolution….all best sellers. Books that now are in universities and schools across the nation. Our children must learn the truth of our origins that we all came from monkeys. They must be educated in the teachings of Charles Darwin. They must learn that the only god is Time.

Judge: May I remind you Counselor Evolutionist that this court is interested in evidence. I am not interested in hearing of this man’s numberless degrees. Or how many books he wrote. There are books of fiction. Books are not evidence unless there are witnesses. I must see evidence. I want eyewitnesses. Documents and written and signed affidavits. I want tangible physical evidence that can be verified by science.

Attorney Christian: Your Honor if I may say something.

Judge: You may.

Attorney Christian: Infidel has no evidence. He presents as evidence the strange tale of smelly hairy disgusting sex-crazed beasts he claims stomped through earth an unbelievable amount of millenniums ago. He just keeps saying it just happened. He has no documents to prove anything he says. He has his word which, no offense to him, his word is just not good enough.

Judge: Exactly. I want evidence. I want empirical evidence. As Richard Dawkins the famous atheist says `the world has no shortage of liars.`

(Judge looks at Attorney Evolutionist than glares at Unbeliever and Infidel)

Judge: Counselor why are you in my courtroom without evidence?

Attorney Evolutionist: Your Honor may I call my witness to the stand?

Judge: By all means. This is why we are here to see and hear evidence.

Infidel hurries to witness stand. He is sworn in with his right hand on the Bible.

Attorney Evolutionist: Infidel isn’t it true that you know exactly what happened 1000, 000,000 billion millenniums ago?

Infidel: I do.

Attorney Christian: I object! Was he there? Did he see? Did he hear? Did he feel? Where are the documents from witnesses?

Judge: Objection overruled!

Attorney Evolutionist: Please tell the court what happened 1000,000,000 billion years ago.

Infidel: For no apparent reason there was suddenly a Big Bang. It shook the nothingness of nothingness. It shot out for eons of time exploding into chemicals and atoms. It shot even further out and suddenly for no reason there were amino acids and other interesting stuff.

Attorney Evolutionist: then what happened?

Infidel: The universe came into existence. Suns appeared and also moons. Stars began to shine..this strange happening took 900,000,000,000,000,000,000 billion zillion years.

Attorney Christian: I object! Your Honor without evidence he has nothing. I am not interested in hearsay. Where is the evidence? His so called testimony is a fairy tale if I ever heard one.

Judge: Present evidence or this court will hold you in contempt. May I remind you that Pilt down man is just an example of what happens to liars and hoaxes.

Attorney Evolutionist: Go on Infidel and present your evidence.

Infidel: Well I wasn’t there but I just know that is what happened.

Attorney Christian: I object to this fairytale presented as facts.

Judge: Objection overruled.

Attorney Evolutionist: Go on please.

Infidel: Than there were unbelievable loud ear-splitting eye-bulging sound barrier-breaking explosions in deep space. Black holes appeared which immediately swallowed up a few spiral galaxies. No big deal because the universe kept producing other interesting stuff. Like novas. Oh yeah.. and stars so numberless they  could never be named. Mysterious phenomenon. Numberless galaxies appeared for no apparent reason. Then far away on a single planet there was goo sliding and slipping on a distant shore. It was the beginning of life here on earth.

Attorney Christian: I object your Honor. I have never heard such gobbledygook nonsense in my entire life! And by the way the Bible says that God calls every star by name. I have never heard such heretic hogwash!

Judge: Me neither! But go on Infidel..

Attorney Evolutionist: May I remind this court that my illustrious witness is the holder of several degrees. He is well-respected in science. He attended a prestigious university of higher learning. He gives seminars across the land. Not to mention he is known in the circles of evolution as their most respected and knowledgeable scientist.

Judge: Well I would hate to hear him as a witness without he having not gone to school. You may proceed.

Judge yawns.

Infidel: The goo was slimy and sticky. It was green. It remained goo for over 100 billion millenniums. Then for no apparent reason it begin to change its form and soon it had an eye. One bulging eye appeared so the goo could see.

Attorney Evolutionist: What did the goo see?

Infidel: It is assumed that the goo saw nothing yet.

Attorney Christian: I object to this make-believe story. It is outrageous that this is even happening in a court of law.

Judge: Objection overruled.

Attorney Evolutionist: You may step down for now. Your Honor may I call to the stand Father Time?

Attorney Christian: I object again Your Honor. This is outrageous! To think that Infidel knows what happened at a so-called time that only exists in his imagination is hardly evidence for science. Now he is going to question the time-god. I object to this travesty of truth!

Judge: Objection overruled!

Father Time takes the stand after being sworn in.

Attorney Evolutionist: Please tell the court your full name please.

Father Time: Father Time also known as Time-god.

To be continued…


3 responses to this post.

  1. […] having to search the internet aimlessly, and these Also you can check out this related blog post: Further you can see this related post: […]


  2. Posted by RaymondTheBrave on April 17, 2011 at 13:28

    Great Way to show the case for creationism. Love it.


  3. […] Attorney Evolutionist Goes To Court ( LikeBe the first to like this post. […]


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