Goo’s Incredible Journey

HMS Beagle at Tierra del Fuego (painted by Con...

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The courtroom is hushed. You can almost hear a pin drop as Forest green Goo takes the stand again. He hops on the chair then smiles at the jury.

Judge: You may begin.

Attorney Evolutionist: Goo would you please tell this court your incredible journey? Tell how you became everything from goo to me. You have actually experienced being every creature in existence. You have been a monkey, ape, horse, cow, pig, duck platypus, dinosaur, chicken,zebra the list goes on to include every creature in existence. You evolved from goo to wherever natural selection took you on your incredible evolutionary journey to become whatever. It is amazing.

Goo: You mean starting from when I was a little gob of goo on a distant shore?

The judge yawns.

Attorney Evolutionist: Yes begin there. Then explain how the goo you are now is not the goo you were then?

Goo: It begins when Darwin and I sailed the sea to Galapagos. What a time that was. South America is a beautiful place. It was exciting seeing all the huge tortoises. The large mocking-birds and all the strange-looking….

Attorney Christian: I object! Would the witness please get to the point! This is not a taping of National Geographic!

Judge: Objection sustained! Goo get to the point please.

Attorney Evolutionist: Your Honor may I offer to the court that my witness is endeared to the fond memories he holds of Charles Darwin.

Attorney Christian: I object your Honor! Goo is here to tell of his so-called incredible journey from goo to you. No offense your Honor.

Judge: Objection overruled!

Goo: As I said my times with Darwin were times of strange happenings on stranger shores. Myth and paradise become entwined. Darwin saw the finches and suddenly all mysterious things in this puzzling existence became crystal clear. As much as he hated to admit what he saw as true, he had no choice but to write a book which sold well in jolly old England. In it he explained his amazing discoveries which are the cause of so much discussion to this day.

Attorney Christian: Your Honor I object. He means cause of so much dissension doesn’t he?

Judge: Objection overruled.

Attorney Evolutionist: Where were you when Darwin was examining the finches?

Goo: In Darwin’s wondering mind waiting to be released to a far off distant shore.

Attorney Christian: I object your Honor. Doesn’t he mean Darwin’s wandering mind?

Judge: Objection overruled!

Attorney Evolutionist: Do you have any idea where that shore is?

Goo: Africa.

Attorney Christian: I object to such primitive lies! Eden is hardly Africa!

Judge: Objection overruled!

Attorney Evolutionist: Goo please continue.

Goo: He sent me there on a hot summer night. I first found myself in the water. I jumped out of the water for no reason I can recall. Landed on the sand. I was very sticky as the sun rose on my strange new world. I did not know it then. But it would be billions of years before anything happened. I had barely slid out of the water for no apparent reason when I found myself caught up in the beginning of  earth’s history. As I lay there dying from exposure suddenly I was touched by the time-god. Then I began to change into a man. But it would literally take billions upon billions of years before I formed one cell. It was not an easy road. But with the help of Time…well really Time did it all. The part I didn’t like was when I was a disgusting smelly sex-crazed savage ignorant beast sometime in 800,000,000,000,000,000 BCE. I was…

Attorney Christian: Your Honor I object! To use such figures is in itself ludicrous and absurd! This amount of time simply does not exist, not even in dreams.

Judge: Objection overruled. Continue Goo.

Goo….an unimaginably hideous looking sweaty smelly beast for at least 2300 billion years. Finally I got the hang of it how to make fire. I then learned how to do fun stuff like kill animals for food. I learned to come in out of the rain. I built a hut out of grass and leaves. It was rough going but as Time kept passing using all his magical powers I knew I just had to be patient until I got to be a civilized man like Mr Darwin.

Attorney Christian: I object your Honor where in this ridiculous story is any hint of science? I will tell you where! Nowhere!

Judge Objection sustained.

Attorney Evolutionist: When you were changing from one thing into another what did you think was happening to you?

Goo: I had no clue. But then Darwin told me I was evolving. He said that I will go where nature takes me. He said that how smart I become will determine where I live. He said that natural selection would choose for me where I belong. He also said that it was from the earth I rose as did all creatures including the animals. In fact he said that before I would become what I  hate; a savage ugly smelly beast I would first be an ape. Perhaps a baboon. The journey from ape to man would be one that would take gazillions of years. That I would need to be patient. I almost lost it during the Cambrian was tough.

Attorney Christian: I object your Honor! it is clear that Forest green Goo is insane and belongs in an asylum!

Judge: Objection sustained!

To be continued…


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