Goo’s Lying Testimony

Piltdown Man

Image by jovike via Flickr

Goo gave this lying testimony. It was his last sad stand from the witness-box. He was also very proud of this photo he claimed he sat for in 123,000,000,000 BCE.

Attorney Evolutionist: Goo I appreciate all the true testimony you have presented to this court of Creationists. Now moving right along will you please tell the court what languages you speak?

Goo: Well, at first, as I swore under oath I was only able to grunt. I had disgusting grunting down to a science. No pun intended to the crazy fundies…I grunted for 200 billion years without a break. Finally after a billion years of grunting I was so tired of the sound that I thought somethings gotta give….This was when I was a disgusting, sweaty, smelly, ignorant, hairy, incredibly ugly, sex-crazed beast. But for no apparent reason thanks to the time-god, my language became more complex as my vocal tract evolved along with my tongue and larynx.

Attorney Evolutionist: As proof your Honor,  may I present to the court  one of Goo’s hyoid bones they found in Israel in the Kebara Cave.

Attorney Christian: Your Honor I object! All civilized people know this outrageous tale has been thoroughly refuted by science. Hyoid bones are totally chimp like not human in any way. Of course evolutionists deny it. Why did they present fake Pilt Down Man to the world if they ever had anything authentic? Let us not forget lying Lucy!

Judge: Objection overruled.

Attorney Evolutionist: Goo how long did you say it was before you were able to stop grunting and form a sensible word?

Attorney Christian: I object! There were great concerns about the accuracy of reconstructions of the so-called Neanderthal vocal tract. Think! If they had anything authentic would they have had such concern? I think not.

Attorney Evolutionist: How long Goo?

Goo: It was a total of 100 billion years, give or take a hundred billion more for me to actually form a real word. I finally was able to say Dada. This is why babies can say Dada: they are retreating to their ancient beginnings. Some call it deja-vu, but it is really memory manifested in a legible word. Moving right along…Also My outer and middle ear bones found in Spain explained the morphology of it. I finally after billions of more years learned how to say ugh instead of uh uh uh all the time. Believe me it was difficult waiting for billions of millenniums to pass. But time-god and I became very close. In fact time-god is my god and I consider him a genius of rare order. He being the highest up on the evolutionary ladder of life. Without him we have nothing.

Attorney Christian sighs and the judge yawns widely.

Attorney Evolutionist: I have no further questions for my witness at this time.

Judge: Attorney Christian you may cross-examine the witness.

Attorney Christian: Goo isn’t it true that you have a history of lying? Isn’t it true that you have a sordid habit of presenting false and fake so-called fossils and artifacts to the world?  Isn’t it a fact Goo that you can spin tales? I was told you have lied to babies. May I add to this fact that you do this without a twinge of guilt.

Goo: I don’t lie. I have never lied! I am the goo created all things. I am the honored hero of the big bang: the Darwinian darling. Throwing this in…my inner ear, my vocal tract, my larynx, and my outer workings were at one time parts of chimps. I evolved from the chimp parts to the Neanderthal. I should know! I was there! When they discovered my body parts in caves and in rocks I was already something else.

Attorney Christian: Like what Goo?

Goo: I was a humanoid. I was walking upright and making sounds that had profound meaning. My ear was able to distinguish between different sounds. The muscles in my tongue evolved nerves which then changed into an important organ that was almost human. As I was making fire, I evolved a point at the tip of my chin which was relevant to my entire history from that far off distant shore to here. Billions of year is the key. Time’s magic did wonders. The Bible thumpers are the real liars with their baseless claims that there is a God.

Attorney Christian: Sorry Goo but there is no Middle Paleolithic archaeology sites that have not been totally refuted by science.  There are no Upper Paleolithic sites that were occupied by anything resembling humans that has not been soundly dismissed by brilliant men of science. It is a known fact there is no fossil evidence. This has been the entire problem of evolution: no fossils. Darwin himself said he doubted any would be found. I am sure he knew why. He even admitted he might have dedicated his life to a fantasy.

Attorney Evolutionist: I object your honor. It is a fact that site after site has yielded indisputable evidence that man came from monkeys! Monkeys that share our DNA. Ask Goo about his many tools; the tools he used to get to where he is now.

Attorney Christian: Goo do you realize how much you lie? I’m not surprised you have no knowledge what DNA is do you? Have you no scruples? No conscience? What am I saying? Of course you have no conscience. It doesn’t bother you to tell an innocent child he has no hope. It doesn’t cause you any distress to rob children of hope in the God who created them in his love.You entire plot is to destroy all hope for the world with the lie that no God created us. No God loves us and we are on our own. Your entire agenda is to take over the world with a lie. But guess what Goo? Truth has to prevail this is the law of God. You are a dead man Goo.

Attorney Evolutionist: I object your Honor counselor is making death threats to my client. I demand he be arrested immediately!

Judge: Objection overruled! Continue Counselor.

Attorney Christian: Goo there is hope in Christ. In fact it is the only hope the human race has. Without Christ there is only death.

Goo: (laughing) There is no hope. We are on our own..We just happened that is all. No Eden, no Garden, no tree, no talking snake, no nothing. No promise of a Redeemer! There was a big bang one instant in a far off time. Darkness was all there was. Blackness and emptiness and nothing could be seen or heard or known. It was simply an empty chaotic void. It was nothing! Then out of the darkness suddenly for no apparent reason at all there was a big bang. I almighty Goo emerged from that big bang to create over billions of years all that exists. That loud deafening big bang sound that thundered through the far reaches of deep stellar space is what happened.   Luckily there were elements and atoms and aloes and amino and acids and other stuff flying in all directions without a brain to think, to show them what to do, where to go what to become.Then evolution decided it all simply chance just because..for no apparent reason.

Attorney Christian: Goo you are insane! Can you hear yourself?  (Attorney Christian holds a mirror in front of Goo’s face) Look at insanity personified Goo! You have no functioning brain Goo.. Can you understand that goo is goo and has no creative ability? Can you not see that the time-god is a fake an imposter a liar and a thief? Time cannot do anything but move forward. You want this court of intelligent God-fearing men and women to believe that something came out of nothing! Outrageous! Science has proven this is impossible. Read a little up on Louis Pasteur sometime.

Goo: (Goo appears incoherent and begins to babble) Neanderthals  used tools of the Mousterian class, which were often produced using soft hammer percussion, with hammers made of materials like bones, antlers, and wood, rather than hard hammer percussion, using stone hammers. A result of this is that our bone industry was relatively simple. However, there is good evidence that Neanderthals routinely constructed a variety of stone implements. Neanderthal Mousterian tools most often consisted of sophisticated stone-flakes, task-specific hand-axes and spades…lots of fun stuff. Many of these tools were very sharp.

Attorney Christian: Your Honor I object to this psycho-babble testimony. Attorney Evolutionist coached him to quote from Wikipedia! He led his lying witness!

Attorney Evolutionist: I object to your objection!

Judge: The jury will not consider this in their verdict. Continue Goo.

Goo: May I add that after the loud ear-splitting explosion the big bang caused..

Attorney Christian: So you are saying that even though there was no one there to hear the big bang still it was a definite sound? Okay.

Goo: Yes it was a big bang. Bang! A deafening explosion. A million atomic bombs set off are noiseless compared to the sound of the big bang. The sound alone is indescribable.

Attorney Christian: Tell this court again Goo..when did this supposedly happen?

Goo: I told you it happened 100,000,,000,000,000,000,000 billion years ago.

Attorney Christian: (Shakes his head) How you can sit there and claim to know that this happened, which it did not, billions of years ago is the somber and profound and true meaning of insanity. Goo do you have any clue any idea of what you are saying? For anyone to think, to believe he knows what happened, which it did not, billions of years ago is absurd. Absurd so absurd. This is the height of arrogance. The only reason I don’t laugh hysterically is because it is too sad.

Goo: Darwin’s disciples figured it out because…. since the universe is expanding it follows that once it was a tiny insignificant dot in the middle of nowhere. (Goo is extremely nervous. He begins to chew his fingernails)

Attorney: Not a dot in the middle of nowhere. But the word that came forth from the mouth of God. This is what happened Goo. What happened in truth is there was darkness and a void. A deep. Then the spirit of God moved upon the face of the deep. Then he spoke and when he speaks things happen. He cannot engage in senseless chatter such as you do. God speaks and things he speaks come into existence. He literally spoke the worlds into existence. The Bible says that God stretches out the heavens like a curtain. This is what happened Goo..God stretches out the heavens, it is God that is expanding it not evolution.

Goo: Ha! What is God and where is he? There is no God! Why can’t I see him? Why does he hide himself? Why is he always silent if he is real? He never says anything. Never! He never ever shows himself. Why does he kill people ? Have you read the Old Testament lately? He kills people. Why does he not heal amputees? Why does he let kids get cancer? He needs to explain himself to me. I demand it! If there is a  God he made us on a whim to play with us. Look at the size of the universe! Big! Big! How could a God this big care about you? Think!

Attorney Christian:  God has spoken to us: it is called the holy Bible. Goo, it is you that needs to think. But you won’t. It is an impossible thing for you to do. And it is you that tells children there is no healing no hope for them. It is you who tells them that there is no heaven wating for them if they do die. You are the culprit here, not the Creationists who offer hope to a dysfunctional world.

Goo: (Having a complete meltdown) No I don’t lie! I tell them the truth that they came from nothing to go to nothing for no reason. God claims to rule from heaven but where is heaven? Why can’t I see him there? It is outrageous! His crazy Fundy Bible-thumping followers just believe with no evidence. But I am the evidence for the big bang! I am Goo! I am God! Believing in God is to believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Attorney Christian: Goo you are the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Look in the mirror sometime and see the real enemy. It is you. And Goo if this gospel be hid it is hid to them that are lost. And you cannot expect God to conduct himself as humans do. Impossible.

Goo: I am Goo the god of the universe the god of creation! I am he that came from that far off distant shore a gooey sticky blob of gob to become the human race and all creatures that breathe. I an Goo the everything creature that evolved from nothing. For no apparent reason. I exist just because!

A psychiatrist is summoned to examine Goo again. After the doctor checks Goo he shakes his head and walks away. Goo is dismissed. The jury convenes and in less than a minute they find him guilty of lying to the world. And of trying to destroy the only hope of humanity.

Goo is led away in handcuffs and leg chains. His head bowed low he mutters profanities to the jurors.

The judge yawns.


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