Posts Tagged ‘atheist’

The Debaters (2)

Darwin city skyline

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Ladies and gentlemen thank you for coming tonight. We will continue with the debate between the distinguished and highly respected, phenomenally educated Dr Hotairre whose knowledge knows no bounds. He will again tonight debate Brother Happy. He will prove to Brother Happy, whom he refers to as an ignorant Bible thumping brain-dead fundie, who seems to lack the ability to think for himself; that it is quite scientifically impossible for an axe to float. He will demonstrate using scientific data that there was no miraculous parting of the Sea of Reeds since no chariot wheels have ever been found. Dr Hotairre will now speak:

Dr Hotairre: If Brother Happy will permit me to comment on his grey matter. He seems to lack the basic ability to think for himself. He believes what he is told with no thought that the very opposite may be true..

In my extensive research in the field of scientific data it is common knowledge that even among those whose IQ is 80 it is known that iron does not float. Now proving this is easily demonstrated. I have brought with me tonight an axe. Now would someone please provide me with a bucket of water?

A bucket of water is brought. Dr Hotairre takes the axe and drops it into the water. Sure enough it sinks to the bottom.

Now, says Dr Hotairre, everyone here of sound mind, which would exclude Brother Happy, knows that the axe will not cannot float to the surface. Yet ladies and gentlemen Brother Happy believes with every fiber of his being that at one time in ancient history an axe floated. He believes simply because he read it in that outdated book filled with contradictions called the Bible.

Now moving right along… I brought with me tonight documents proving there are no chariot wheels on the bottom of the Sea of Reeds. Do I really need to prove anything here tonight when sane people know that none of the things that Brother Happy believes in ever happened? As a proud and ludicrously educated agtheist which is a degree laden agnostic aka borderline atheist, I am free to ponder the mysteries of the universe. Mysteries when studied that each day are yielding new truths to the scientific community. Facts that we the educated may use to build a world where Darwin is respected for the genius that he was.

Do we really need the likes of Brother Happy whose sole goal in life is to praise the Lord? Has he no life? Has he not even one ounce of intelligence seeing he also is descended from apes? Apes which had the basic data within their genes to somehow turn into humans when the time-god did his thing; which was to simply pass.

Brother Happy seems to show all signs of a man who is ignorant of the power of the time-god. Given enough time and chance anything can happen. Anything. No god is needed!  Thank you.

Someone in the audience sends up his first question for Dr Hotairre.

The host reads it to Dr Hotairre: Your belief that given enough time and chance anything could happen Would that include an axe floating?

Dr Hotairre answers No because it is scientifically impossible. However apes turning into humans is not only possible it happened. Even though we are still disappointed that few transitional fossils have been discovered still we believe more will be found.

Another question from the audience:

The host reads it: Dr Hotairre with the passing of your wonder-working time-god, should there not by now, be found, BY CHANCEtrillions of transitional fossils seeing that according to you billions of years have passed? I mean how mush time do you need?

Dr Hoatairre replies..No obviously according to all the evidence we have not enough time has passed. It will probably not be in my lifetime. Time must pass! This is a must!

Dr Hotairre suddenly falls to his knees and begins to worship the time-god shouting..strange incoherent sounds that sound like an ancient voodoo song.

Host: Uh ok. Moving right along. We will now hear from Brother Happy:

Brother Happy: Thank you Jesus and glory to God! Wonderful wonderful God who loves us so much that he sent his Son to die on the old cross. He does a little dance claps his hands together and and sits down.

To be continued…

Questioning the Existence of God

Pharaoh, the king of ancient Egypt, is often d...

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A Christian was told by an atheist that no God opened the Red Sea for the Israelites like she had been told. Why? Because there is no God he declared.

To prove it, he went on; I know from intense and extensive research on this that during the ancient time of the Egyptian dynasties it is a scientific fact that the Sea of Reeds was only four inches deep. Totally impossible for your imaginary God to cause a wind to blow all night that parted the so-called deep waters. So you see there is no God and you have been duped he laughed.

The Christian was unmoved. She answered, It is more of a miracle then. That God could drown Pharaoh and his entire army in just four inches of water is incredible! And she began to praise the Lord.

Or the atheist who was talking to his Christian neighbor one day and said to her; There is no God and you know it! Well I know there is she said back to him. They continued this for a while then went back into their respective homes. The atheist thought to himself I will  prove to that Bible thumping,  non-thinking fundie there is no God.

So he hopped in his car and dashed off to the supermarket. He began filling up a cart with tons of vegetables and fruits, breads, cereals,  and a big gallon of milk. Then he tossed in a few steaks and a couple of chickens. He decided to throw in desserts  and soft drinks. Oh yes he thought.. better buy some coffee and tea. After he paid for it all he went home.

Late that night he placed all the goodies he had bought in a large box. Carrying them, he silently sneaked over to the Christian’s porch where he left them next to her front door.

Early next morning, he hurried outside and hid behind some bushes. He knew she would come out for her morning paper. At last she opened the door and immediately saw the box of goodies. She shouted praise the Lord!  Thank you Jesus!

Upon hearing that the atheist popped up out of the bushes laughing. He said God didn’t give you those groceries. I bought them myself! See I told you there is no God. You thought God brought them! but I did!

The Christian shouted even louder saying Praise the Lord! Not only did the Lord answer my prayer for groceries, but he made the devil pay for them! And deliver them to my door! Hallelujah!

All these so-called proofs that the Lord does not exist will never move the true follower of Jesus.

They claim the Bible cannot be trusted that the texts were changed. Scribes changed this word and that word. They added their own thoughts and opinions. How do you know the Bible is true? It is not inerrant. In fact it is full of errors.

They claim that maybe…Peter did not write Peter.  Or perhaps Paul founded his own church. Or Mark was wrong.  And hmm…Matthew does not exist and on it goes. They say that history proves the Bible to be just another book.

Actually the Bible proves itself true daily.

To be continued…

Goo’s Execution

The hanging of two participants in the Indian ...

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It happened that Goo (from a far distant shore that appeared from nothing out of the so-called Big Bang) was found guilty of lying to the world.

His false claim that the human race descended from him has been thoroughly refuted by science.

The judge sentenced him to death by hanging.

The following is a report of what happened at the execution:

Only a few people were present to witness Goo breathe his last. It is reported he chose as his last meal a hot roast beef sandwich with mashed potatoes and green beans. And a large slice of Red Velvet cake for dessert. He swallowed down a large beer, smiled and belched before in death he closed his lying eyes.

After Goo is finished eating and drinking and belching, he is dragged to the gallows. Screaming and resisting with all his gooey might, he vows revenge on his killers. “I will come back I swear I will rise from the dead and kill you hypocrites!

Finally subdued he offers no more resistance knowing his fate is sealed. He trembles with fear as he catches his first look at the hanging place called the gallows.

Prison warden: Goo do you have any final words before we hang you by your lying scrawny little neck?

Goo: Not really. All I had to say I said on the witness stand. I stand by what I said that it was from me that the human race descended. Man came from apes! I know that is hard to accept. But it is true. Man is an animal! As I said; it all began on a far off distant shore after I met dear kind Mr Darwin. I slid out of the the sea and…

Prison warden: Place the noose around Goo’s lying bony dirty smelly godless neck Mr Executioner.

The executioner comes  forward with a black hood over this head. Only his eyes are visible. He glares at Goo. He places the noose around Goo’s neck. He secures it as if it will somehow fall off as Goo begins again to resist..

Goo reaches  up to feel the noose. He winces… then immediately composes himself.

Goo: I hate you all! I hate you all! May I die rather than deny that man evolved from goo to reptile to monkey to grunting, smelly, disgusting sex-crazed, wild beas…

CLUNK! The foundation beneath Goo’s feet disappears. It drops like a pebble into the abyss never to be seen again. Goo flops like a rag doll as the noose does its work of strangling the last lying breath out of him. After Goo’s dead lying body dangles for a few minutes, the executioner removes Goo’s lying neck from the noose. He places his corpse on the waiting gurney.

He is pronounced soooo…dead by a archaeologist doctor. A great cheer erupts from the crowd of creationists. Not a tear not a sigh when lying Goo died.

Goo died as he lived;  a liar.

He is taken down and buried in a grave marked

Here lies a liar and a fool” Goo the decieved.

Atheist (15)

Atheist: Do you know why I can describe so perfectly the smelly hairy disgusting hideous sex crazed ignorant beasts that roamed the planet as our ancestors billions of years ago?

Theist: No offense intended but it sure sounds like you were there with all those graphic details.. But please tell me it sounds interesting anyway. And since we’re friends why not.

Atheist: Man searches inwardly for his origins. He yearns to learn of his beginnings. He longs to know where he came from.  He dreams of returning there. That is why sometimes we all experience deja vu. We walk into a room and suddenly feel as we have been there before. It is weird but cannot be denied; that it is reality.

Theist: Are you telling me that the ugly hairy smelly nasty dirty sex-crazed ignorant beasts you keep telling me about is the place you want to be? I am shocked! Do you mean to tell me that if I imagine a castle in the air it is because I once lived there? Please do not insult my intelligence. All this deja vu is nothing more than memory with a glitch in it. I still believe in good old-fashioned documents.

Atheist: That could also be true about the memory glitch. Imagination is connected to the myth of a beginning. It is the myth of paradise lost as Milton spoke of. It is that place that resembles Atlantis the lost city. We humans know there is more to us than just a few years here then nothing.

Theist: Billions of years backward and only a few years to look forward to you say? Your time-god is at it again. Making things only to murder them. Billions of years to look back on where all was the survival of the fittest. But nothing to look forward but death for the new improved beasts.

Atheists: So anyway the smelly hairy disgusting sweaty beasts did all they could to improve their lives.

Theist: So where are the fossils that shows the changes between these horrible disgusting beasts, to improved beasts, to new and improved beasts?

Atheist: I think you need to learn about mutations.

Theist: This will explain the change?

Atheist: Well not exactly but at least you will get a clue about reality.

Theist: Back to your myth. When you began to drift off into trances to experience your ancestors in their natural habitat how does it make you feel?

Atheist: May I remind you again these beasts are your ancestors also. Don’t sit there and try to make me believe you are some special created by God creature when the truth is you evolved just like the rest of us.

Theist: If I did evolve from the disgusting creatures would I not recall it also as you do, as you probe into the deep recesses of your memory searching for your beginnings?

Atheist: Not if you deny it as you seem to do. You suppress it because you refuse to believe the truth because the Eden story was hammered into your psyche by other ignorant Christians.

Theist: Do you want to know what the Bible says about what you are now going off on?

Atheist: Go ahead and say it.

Theist: New age stuff. It is all imagination. This is why God forbids it.. Our imagination can go off into places that are dangerous. God commands through the apostle Paul us to  gird up the loins of our mind. He knows the mind is not what new agers think it is; a playground.

Atheist: When Darwin broke upon the world revealing his magnificent discovery; that informed us that we all descended from a common ancestor; probably an ignorant incredibly ugly and smelly sex crazed baboon it was the news the world had been waiting for. We wanted to know our origin. The age of enlightenment passed and we knew that God was dead, or rather  the idea of God. Now we know we descended from smelly beasts and the world is better for it. Can you imagine how that smelly ugly ignorant beast would have felt if he had known that one of his descendants would someday remember him? Darwin was that descendant. Can you imagine how proud that smelly ignorant beast would have been if he could have seen billions of years into the future to see his descendant discover aspirin?

To be continued….

Atheist Interview!

Chapter two (2)

The atheist who was held captive by an imaginary person in a remote cabin, whom he claimed was murdering innocent people while treating him quite well, agreed to an interview to answer questions about what he endured during his week of captivity.

The following is the transcript:

“Thank you atheist for agreeing to continue this  interview.”

“No problem. I talk to anyone I can see. I can SEE you! Hello?”

“I don’t understand….”

“I can see you. I have evidence that you exist. I see you. I must have evidence or I cannot be swayed, coerced, persuaded, certainly not convinced in any gods unless I have evidence.”

“Oh! Okay I understand now..you’re an atheist and do not believe in invisible gods. But you believe in what you can see.”

“That’s right! I don’t believe in flying spaghetti monsters or fairies dancing on lawns. I am an empiricist and must have evidence. I am a proud atheist. We are working hard to change the  world to a world that lives in reality. A world that is free of fundies and fanatics. Free of religion which has caused all the war death and destruction throughout history. Also I am a person of high morals something fundies do not possess.”

“Atheist when you were being held captive in the beautiful cabin by a peaceful lake, did you do any fishing?”

“Come to recall yes I did fish one day while my captor was slaughtering innocent men women and children. I could hear their screams while I was reeling in a big one.”

“Why didn’t you try to stop him? This is the question my boss said I must ask.”

“I couldn’t see him I tell you! I need evidence of his existence, there is none of course, yet I knew he was killing all these people. I heard their screams.”

“Can you tell us what you mean when you say he was killing innocent people, yet he does not exist, and you did not see him, but you heard their screams?How can he not exist yet commit all these heinous crimes you say you witnessed?”

“This is the thing: he is an imaginary being who wackos worship. I am much to intelligent to worship an imaginary flying spaghetti monster who kills innocent people. There are no fairies under the bed, okay?”

“Could you explain a little more?”

“Look when I was a kid my mind was totally clean when I was born an innocent baby. But what is the first thing I hear as soon as I can understand? Say your prayers and be good. I did this faithfully every night. But guess what not one prayer ever was answered. Out of the millions I prayed not one was answered. I got beat up in school, my dad lied to me, my friends betrayed me, it was awful. Then when I got a little older my little puppy died and that really cinched it for me.”

“Cinched what? That you had no faith?”

“No! that there is no man in the sky no god who cares. It is all a farce, a made up fairy tale, to dupe the simple-minded morons who go broke giving their money to lying money loving preachers I know of what I speak! I went to college and there I was more convinced there is no god. Darwin explained what happened we all evolved from goo. We are creatures who evolved over billions of years and learning who we are what we are where we came from. We are learning about the universe and how we relate to it. Science is my god it is fair it is honest and it provides evidence of reality. I can see it, it is there. And truth is 2+2 =4 this is reality. But to teach a child that there is a god who loves you is cruel and really is child abuse. It took me years to get over this nonsense of a god who cares.”

“Back to the cabin. Please explain how a non-existent entity can murder innocent people?”

“What do you mean a non-existent entity?”

“Hello? Please explain how a non-existent being can kill anyone? Where did you get this from? Oh yes the cabin the abduction the screams while you were barbecuing steaks. You said he was non-existent not me.”

“He is non-existent! I must have evidence!  However, I saw him committing cold blooded murder! Oh yes it was the Canaanite family he massacred one day for no reason except to watch them die. All they were doing was having a party one day and he slaughtered everyone of them. I saw this happen!”

“Of course you did….. Now… Why did you say he is non-existent if you saw him killing people?”

“He is the non-existent being.”

“Please explain for the umpteenth time, I ask you explain to a waiting world, I ask you to explain how… how… how a non-existent being can kill? You realize of course this is not possible for something that does not exist to do things only things that do exist can do?  It is called evidence. You do understand that don’t you? Sounds to me like it is you that believes in flying spaghetti monsters.”

To be continued….in next blog

Atheist Held Captive By Malicious Stranger

Chapter ONE (1) in a continuing series of mysterious happenings in the universe…to atheists.

BREAKING NEWS! Atheist abducted by malicious stranger to be tortured and treated well at the same time..

Hmmm….what a strange thing indeed..

Anytime BC and AD: An angry atheist claimed today that he had been abducted and held captive by a non-existent stranger. He reported to the police that he was kept against his will for a week in a remote mountain cabin.

He said the stranger had confused him to the point where he didn’t know if he was being held captive to be killed or regarded as a guest to be wined and dined. He appeared quite confused when he was walked into the police department. He appeared in excellent health, though a little shaken and confused.

He said he was walking down the street when a truck pulled up. He said the driver of the truck grabbed him, tied him up, then dragged him and threw him in the back. He then said he was taken out of town to an unknown location where he was untied and placed in a large beautiful cabin.

He said the cabin was expensively furnished.  Breathtakingly beautiful location and the cabin was state of the art made.

He also said he dined each day as would a king. He basically said he had no problem except for hearing the screams of his abductor’s victims. He said he was living the good life there if not for the screams of those being tortured and killed before him.

During his week of captivity the atheist claimed his abductor brutally murdered innocent captives, which he discovered were chained in another part of the cabin fearfully wondering their fate.

He said that as he dined on fillet Mignon at a mahogany table drinking the finest wine attended by servants who waited on him hand and foot to make sure he was satisfied with the service he was receiving, he would hear the screams of the tortured dying as their captor without mercy murdered them in various way using different methods to insure they suffered excruciating pain before they died suffering unbelievable agony and shame.

He reported that all the poor innocent victims were  stripped naked. His shock and horror to see this cannot be expressed in any known language.

The atheist said he was absolutely shocked and outraged to the point of where he used profanity to convey to his captor his disapproval of what he was seeing. He said his captor just laughed. He insisted that his abductor would mercilessly murder others while treating him very well. It made no sense.

He said at one point during his week of captivity while he happened one day to be watching a wide-screen television (His abductor had given him charge of the remote) he heard loud grievous screams coming from outside. He ran to see what was the matter.

To his great horror his captor had tied several abductees to a tree and was whipping them with a leather whip. Others were lying on the ground slowly dying of starvation and disease. His captor did not care if they died. He seemed to find pleasure in making it happen.

Others were hanging from trees by their neck dead from suffocation.

As the atheist walked back inside to resume what he was doing which was watching an old remake of his favorite movie, his abductor asked him if he wanted the masseuse to give him his daily massage. Of course he said yes to his daily massage.

After this he said he took an hour nap alone to rest. Than later exercised on the portable gym for a while before he resumed his leisurely life of captivity.

The atheist said he was shocked and horrified that his abductor could do such things to all those innocent people. Yet treated him fabulously.

He was interviewed:

“Why do you think your abductor tortured and killed all these innocent people while treating you well?” he was asked.

“I have no idea!  But I hate this non-existent person, this imaginary sadist who held me captive for a week for no reason.”

But can you explain to the world please why were you treated well and the others were brutally murdered?”

“I have no clue!” the angry atheist replied.

“Why did this imaginary monster/good guy let you go? You must understand why he would murder others while treating you good? You were there!”

“That’s just it! Why he treated me exquisitely providing everything I needed to be happy and killing those poor innocent victims is above my pay-grade to understand. No wait! I do understand. He is insane and vicious and capricious, vindictive, cruel,  evil and stupid! I hate that moronic non-existent entity!”

“But are you thankful you were spared? How did you escape? What did you learn from this experience if anything?”

I learned that my abductor is mean and capricious. He is evil he is without mercy. He is without doubt stupid. He never explained himself and I could not figure out why he was nice to me and evil to them. One day he said to me I was free to go with his blessings. Of course I walked out the door and went home quite relieved and happy to be free. Shocking. I think he is schizophrenic. He is also a math genius and a great artist. When he wasn’t killing innocent people he was designing magnificent works of art and solving impossible problems. He also created things I really admire, however he is insane.”

“How do you feel about him really?”

The atheist said, “This is my opinion the way I see it. My abductor does not exist and if he does exist, though I have no proof that he does, he is insane and deserves to die! By the way I am not thankful he spared me. I could have done it myself eventually.The facts is that I hate this insane entity IF he exists! He is vindictive and jealous and arrogant and selfish and has no regard for human life.”

My question: does this atheist’s report make any sense? Any sense at all?