Posts Tagged ‘spade’

The Reading of Goo’s Will and Last Testament

Piltdown Man

Image by jovike via Flickr

With all his friends gathered in the Museum of Un-natural Pseudo-history Goo’s grieving attorney Evolutionist arrives and is greeted by the waiting crowd. Hopping from his limo he waves away reporters, then hurries inside to do what he hates to do: read Goo’s will to his grieving followers the Darwinians.

There is a hush. After the soloist sings The Impossible Dream his attorney Evolutionist asks that a moment of silence be observed in memory of his friend. An infidel comes forward to say there will be no prayer since none there believe in God.

Goo’s will and last testament  is opened by his faithful attorney Evolutionist. Weeping loudly he reaches for his handkerchief and wipes his eyes. He begins:

I Goo, being of sound mind and goo, do hereby testify that I am forever innocent of all charges hurled against me by the Bible-thumping creationists. Obviously if you are hearing these words today my dear Darwinian friends then you know I am sooo…dead. Dead by the hands of religious fanatics who believe in God without evidence. I had evidence to present to the world. I know what really ruined it for me was when I came up with Pilt-Down man. And his girlfriend Lucy. Big mistake! This is what alerted the creationists to my wicked ways.  Truly I never thought the fundies would challenge me on this. Before I knew it there were literally thousands upon thousands of essays and reports calling me a liar. There were excavations and sites revisited to prove me wrong. Not to mention all the Christian books, movies, and personal appearances by the Creationists who were out to prove beyond any doubt that God is real.

I lost the great battle and the creationists still rule the world as they have since the dawn of time. Rather the dawn of their time. Or rather the dawn of the only recorded time. Anyway let it be known that from this day forward I will be dead and remembered as a liar without a conscience.

But to you my dear Darwinian friends I will always be Goo who dreamed the impossible dream..hoping that transitional fossils would be found even though they were not found. It cannot be denied that if evolution did take place; is taking place there would be so many transitional fossils the world could not hold them. Why after billions of years and something changing into something else there would have to be proof. But there isn’t. So yes I  had to lie I had to keep up the show.

But as you continue in life remember that I tried.

I bequeath all my worldly belongings, which belongings consist of  a spade  and a knapsack,  to the Smithsonian where also will lie my gooey remains after my hanging by the Creationists.

I bid you adieu. By the way I am in Hell.

The crowd cries loudly repeating over and over...My great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great- a billion greats… great-granddaddy is a baboon.

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Atheist Interview (4)

“Atheist thank you for coming tonight. Please be seated. Would you care for a cup of coffee?”

“Yeah don’t mind if I do.”

“If you recall when we last talked I asked why would Adam and Eve willingly commit the sin that resulted in the destruction of the human race, assuming that is what happened. Such an act, in my opinion, would demand death for them. I mean no right minded person would do this. This is nothing but genocide. If you disagree this happened than what do you think happened that brought us to this point in our history?”

“Adam and Eve? Oh..puleeze…But the fundies do commit genocide this has been their weapon of choice forever. Look at their track record.

It is soaked in blood But here is the thing.. Darwin explained what happened. We evolved. Over billions of years we came to be for no particular reason whatsoever. One day there was nothing than there was us.

This myth of a a paradise garden, a talking snake, the sin that made me a “bad person” is exactly that; a myth.

The entire myth was designed to  so called expose me as a sinner in need of a savior. Well pardon me, I don’t need a savior I do quite well on my own. In fact the people who do claim to be in communion with this imaginary god are the biggest hypocrites on the planet!Sin? They invented the concept!

Since the beginning of their history all they have done is start wars and kill anyone who doesn’t agree with them. Just like many of them today.

Take the Dominionists for example, they want the entire world under their thumb. They say this will bring Jesus back if they only get all the world to obey their god. Of course they claim it as obeying their imaginary god. But in truth it is they who want dominion over the rest of us not dominion for their god. And this is just one of the groups.

There are many more out there and none of them agree. It is absurd! Have you looked in the yellow pages, of any phone book, in any town, of any state, of any nation, on any continent lately? Look under churches and I rest my case. Yeah they really know what they’re doing don’t they?” Not only do they attack those who do not agree with them in the so called secular world they attack anyone who doesn’t agree with them within their own ranks. Give me a break!”

“Anyway…you see this as no big deal? That as you implied, we suddenly for no particular purpose, appeared here on planet earth? That for no apparent reason we humans are equipped with intelligence, and the desire to improve? Occupying a planet suspended on nothing in a vast universe filled with unimaginably numbers of galaxies we will never explore. Okay.”

“I didn’t say that did I? I said there is no god that decided one day to lovingly sit down and scoop up some dirt. Then form it into a human body than breathe into the nostrils thus making the man breathe. The so called Hebrews made that up so they could rule the world. It is an elaborate plan to gain world dominance.”

“Let me get this straight. Thousands of years ago the ancient Hebrews decided one day to dream up, then carefully write down laws meticulously preserving these same laws for millenniums ? Laws that would require them to do precisely what they by nature didn’t want to do? Okay. Then sentence themselves to death by stoning if they failed to obey these laws? Now that makes no sense!

Okay. I take it you’ve never read the duties of the Levitical priests? Or about stoning. Why oh why would anyone make a law forbidding himself to do exactly what he likes to do? Can you explain that? Now that is what is absurd!

Then they included in these laws the slaughter of animals, draining them of blood to sacrifice to according to what I have heard from skeptics , an unpredictable blood-thirsty god,  which threatened them with famines and wars and death if they didn’t get it...right the first time...what he said for them to do? You say these people made all this up than distributed these laws to a few gullible souls so they the Hebrews could rule the world?”

“I don’t know of any Hebrews. I think you’re putting words in my mouth here. Where is the evidence? The Modern day Jews claim to be their direct descendants but where is the proof? It is hearsay.

But the religious nuts say that is who they were. But we have no evidence of their existence. The fundies quote a Scripture from the Old Testament “Truth shall spring out of the earth” claiming this is proof of archaeology that proves their case. But the real reason we are here living on a planet called earth, which earth is hanging on nothing ,in an unbelievable huge universe is we simply happened. As Stephen Hawkins just decided no need for a god. Archaeology is actually proving we evolved from lower apes. The fundies want to think they were created special by a god who loves them. Their mind ceased to function in 4000 BCE.”

To be continued….